You can die from cancer.

Last night Kasia broke down. We were sitting there watching tv, she was working on her computer as I controlled the stations between ESPN, ESPN2, Monday Night Football, and numerous hockey games (so I was obviously busy) and Kasia just started crying.

I have seen this before. I have been watching numerous sports before and Kasia was stressed out on something or another, and she just starts crying. I can't always decode the new language she seems to pick up when she starts these "episodes." I can usually pick out a few words that she mixes into her jargon that sound something like these English phrases: something about listening to her (which I can't, because I cannot UNDERSTAND her), not ignoring her, she is not taking this [poop] anymore, something about me growing up, and other ridiculous claims that I can barely hear over the TV announcers voice who seems to effortlessly be putting full English words and phrases together into full sentences. I usually/always find out through these "conversations" that I am the one who is wrong (and to tell you the truth, once she settles down, I do see her point 73% of the time) and I apologize for my actions.

In an effort to speed up the process, last night when Kasia started crying I blurted out, "I'm sorry." It didn't work. She continued to cry and then said something very surprising and heartbreaking, "I'm sorry."

Kasia and I have had friends in and out of our house ever since I have been diagnosed with cancer. The distraction has been wonderful. But that is exactly what is was, a distraction. We have had a whirlwind last two weeks: engaged, doctor visits, diagnosed with testicular cancer again, preop, surgery, and more doctor visits have kept Kasia's brain busy without having to think of the inevitable thought with any substance: I have cancer. Someone with cancer is dying. I am dying.

My dad would have a hard time with me saying that. He does not like to think or see anything that portrays a negative connotation towards my health, or anyone's health that he loves. But it is the undeniable truth. People with cancer are dying, which means that I am currently dying. I have had this sobering thought before when I was first diagnosed and it sits in the back of my mind now, I have already accepted that I have a disease that is killing me. I have also refused to let it.

I have made up my mind that I was not going to let cancer beat me, but that I was going to beat cancer. My sister, Lindsey, posted a quote from Lance Armstrong that embodies my feelings towards having the disease:

"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell!" -Lance Armstrong

                                        Myself; My Nephew/Godson, Maddux; My Dad, Gary. In Florida in September 2011.



Apparently I have issues with discussing my feelings. I really do not enjoy doing it, and most times I get more annoyed and my feelings get more negative if people try to talk to me about it. So Kasia has no idea what is going on in my head in regards to my attitude through cancer... which is completely unfair to her.

Last night Kasia could no longer take putting on a happy face. She was not happy and was tired of acting like it. She was sorry that I had to see her like that, she was sorry that she wasn't stronger, she was sorry that she could not make it all better.

It is easy to get caught up in yourself when you have cancer... everyone is talking about you and it seems the world wants to know what is going on with you in that moment. It can be exhilarating and at the same time completely exhausting. You forget the effect that cancer has on everyone around you, especially the people who truly love you. It is not just hard on you, but just as hard, and sometimes it is harder on your loved ones... it would benefit me to tell my loved ones how I feel and to listen to their concerns as well. This way, I don't have to spend so much time on the breakdowns, because they won't happen as often and in reality, this is all about self preservation. I am all about self preservation and living...

You can die from cancer, but that is up to you.

So for all of you that are having a hard time with this, let me explain my thought process:

I have cancer. I am dying. I will beat cancer. I will live.

Movember

It's that wonderful time of the year where the men of the world make a stand against cancer and spread awareness by growing that handsome hockey 'stache.  Robert tops the charts with his handsome 'stache, and if I could get my hands on a hockey photo of Mr. Gary, I think Robert would have some great competition.  I searched high and low for a great photo of Robert's November efforts, however, the flash hides the 'stache and nothing did him justice.  (Also, as if our luck wasn't choppy enough, my computer completely failed me last night and I am on a temp until we can save all my info.  This is also the reason all access to the archive of the infamous "Robert the sexy 'stache" has been denied.)  Here is a gem I came across that will have to work until Robert can dig up the best photo's of him and Mr. Gary.

Ladies do not feel left out.  There are plenty of ways to express yourself and support this great hairy month.

In addition to enhancing your facial features there are many other great ways to support cancer awareness.  One of my favorite companies TOMS came out with limited edition Movember shoes.  The proceeds go to the Movember foundation.  Ch Ch Check them out.

Feel free to post your Movember 'staches and grow that facial hair wild in the name of Robert Manley Sutherland. 

Thanks,

Kasia

Today I went on a walk...

Today has been a huge day for me. I went on my first walk by myself since I had surgery. I went about 300 feet outside my house, but I felt like I was exploring some distant land with Shadow. Why was I feeling so adventurous you say? Well, I got my first testosterone shot yesterday and my dad called me this morning to see how I was doing. The conversation started like this:

*Phone ringing**
Robert: Hello Dad (I have a smart phone, so it shows me who is calling)
Gary: Hello Robert, how are you feeling today?
Robert: Just great... I have not moved out of bed today. (I must have sounded extremely manly at this point)
Gary: Your voice sounds deeper... must be the testosterone shot.

Robert: You know dad, I feel a bit big right now. I think I might take Shadow on a walk.
Gary: You're the man

                                                           Shadow hanging in the fall leaves today. She matches.


So feeling like Paul Bunyan I hung up the phone, and watched tv for another half an hour. Until I felt another wave of testosterone flow through my veins and I remembered how deep my voice currently is did I crawl out of bed, march myself into the bathroom, and took my first shower in four days.

Washing my body with Dove soap and Bumblebee shampoo I thought about the possibility of calling my doctor for another testosterone shot. But oh well, I got out of the shower smelling effing magical... four blue birds were waiting for me when I got out and were sharing the weight of a cotton towel and the gently dried me off (along with testosterone, I am heavily sedated on pain killers, so this is just my recollection of my morning). I got MYSELF dressed and took a stroll outside. Shadow and I braved the conditions for a good 23 minutes until Kasia got home to make us lunch. We survived with minimal damage. Shadow may have some  frostbite, or it is just a piece of ice she is holding in her mouth from the kitchen.

 

You can see my new scar where they removed the testicle. After my first shower in four days.

                                             How 'the Tiger' takes advantage of me sleeping on drugs. Picture via Kasia.


Shadow is someone that will be mentioned in this blog quite regularly. Shadowfax is my dog (whom I now share with Kasia. *she would get upset without that disclaimer. Kasia, not Shadow), she is a golden retriever/border collie mix, 7 years old, climbed more mountains than most goats, and is as close as I would assume any child I ever have will be. I got Shadow in Logan, Utah after I had returned from my first treatments with cancer. She was a beaten dog and was going to be put down due to the fact that Logan, Utah has no pound. So if the Humane Society does not pick them up... they put them down.

Shadow asked me to keep her alive (she was speaking at 4 months old) and surprised by a dog speaking, I decided to take her home with me... 7 years later, she is still the best purchase I have ever made. Shadow is my best friend, daughter, protector, and all around lifetime companion. She understands that I have cancer for her and I have had numerous talks about it, and we have both agreed that I am going to be completely fine. 




















                   Kasia's ring holder ^                                                                                                That's my girl

"The Proposal" by Kasia

I will always have Oct 14, 2011 embedded in my brain.  I say this but don’t mean it since I cannot remember dates for the life of me.  Robert took me to the top of PC Mountain for a quick hike during work around 3pm on Friday afternoon.  I had been complaining non-stop while on my trip in China that I would miss my favorite part of the year in Park City.  I love the turning of the leaves in fall and being gone two weeks you can miss the best rounds of colors.  I had just returned home that Saturday and now stood looking down at the paradise we call home.  The colors were perfect and I can happily say I hadn’t missed the reds I was eager to see.

After gazing for a few moments Robert gave me a kiss on my head and told me he loved me.  (He may deny it but he gets random sentimental spurts from nowhere, so this was nothing out of the ordinary.)  I told him I loved him too and turned to walk back down the mountain in order to make it back to the office for Roberts meeting. 

As I walked away Robert didn’t let go of my hand.  I figured that maybe I hadn’t given his nice gesture enough attention so I turned to quickly reciprocate when I found Robert down on one knee.  What happened from that moment on, I cannot recall accurately.  I remember asking if what was happening was real, having Robert nod with the ring in his hand, and walking away wondering if my knees were going to lock and my breathing stop.  I now know what it really means to have your breath taken away.  I pride myself on always having an idea when something is about to happen.  Any surprise is not really a surprise to me.  I know something is coming and usually I know when.  This, however, blindsided me.  After 10 minutes of gathering my breath asking if this was really happening I managed to say yes.  I do think I may have been on all fours trying to get the world to stop spinning under my feet, but a yes is a yes. 

We were on top of the world.  

I truly believe that at that minute in time the world was tilted “just so” and was rotating at the exact speed that put us on the highest point of the earth.  Please do not try to prove me wrong with science, its not an argument I am willing to give up so it would simply waste your time and cause you much frustration.  

That day was the best day of my life.  The man I loved to the moon and back had picked out the most perfect ring on earth and taken a gamble on me.  I couldn’t be happier at that moment.  The next few days were ethereal. I will let you soak in the happiness of that day, as I was able to. 

"Robert" by Kasia

Robert has a natural pride that he carries in his back pocket.  His confidence is second to none, and this is why I know that everything is going to be just fine.  I think back a couple years, a few months before Robert and I were “dating”.  This confident, dare I say cocky, man told me that some day I would be rich, marry him, and take care of him.  I must say he nailed two of those things right on the head.  I soon will marry this man, and today I find myself taking care of him.  Although, I must admit, that even though I may be his cook, maid, and on-time pill reminder, I am not taking care of Robert.  Robert, in fact, is taking care of me.  The way he laughs in the face of cancer, and cracks jokes about this difficult situation, make me know that I can make it through anything.  

I told him today (yesterday), that I think I don’t cry or realize the severity of everything going on because I do not feel a part of it.  I feel that I am floating above the situation just observing.  I am well aware of the fact that my fiance has cancer. I cannot change this. However, this is just the state we are in at the moment, it does not define him, it simply allows him to define himself by the way he reacts.  I am aware that the next few months will be difficult and at times seem like they may take the best of us, but a year from now we will be laughing and making jokes about how Robert always has to one-up everyone.  In this case he decided to do it by not only losing one testicle, but two.   

With testicular cancer being among the rarest forms of cancer, but the most common cancer in young men, it seems extremely improbable that one man will be hit with this twice, seven years apart, in one life time.  I would assume it would be about as rare, if not more rare, than being struck by lighting twice.  I say this very cautiously, because I do not want Robert to get any ideas and make the "lighting strike" his next feat.  

Roberts confidence and ability to focus on a goal, and always succeed, should leave all of us at peace.  We can sit back and watch the inevitable downfall of cancer, again.

Words cannot express how thankful we are for the support and positive energy that our family, friends, and community have provided for us.  Thank you for taking a minute to read our short stories and rambles that have become a coping mechanism for us, as well as a way to communicate Robert's progress.


Thanks,
Kasia

Weighing in for the Title Bout

Here I am, it is 10:39 PM on Thursday night, 10/26/11. I am watching Fox Sports as literally Freeze JUST HIT A HOME RUN! (I am typing this as he runs around the bases, this is amazing, I really cannot believe that just happened). Wow. I did not make that up. I was waiting the entire game to write an update on the blog, maybe I do control the world with my mind. As before, please forgive all typos and grammatical mistakes as well as rants and medical mistaken quotes. I am still heavily sedated.

Anyways, today we went back to my Urologist, Dr. McFadden to discuss what was found in the tumor. 

But before we get to that, I thought everyone might enjoy a quick story about Dr. McFadden and how we found out he was linked to us before I had ever met him. Call it Halloween spookiness, or be more realistic and call it a coincidence.

Dr. Michael McFadden served in the military with my one of my Grandfather's very best friends, Dr. Richard Tapper, a Urologist who has been living and practicing at Toledo Hospital with my Granddad, Dr. Gerry Sutherland, who is a famous Orthopedic Surgeon hailing from the wonderful city of Toledo, Ohio as well. Yes readers, his real name is Dr. Dick Tapper and for a profession he plays with balls and wieners... life is nutty sometimes (pun, intended). Anyways, they served as doctors in the military together in the 70's and had not spoken to each other in thirty years... that is until, I went and got cancer and brought these long, lost, kindred souls back together again. You're welcome you two.

And now back to me... Dr. McFadden successfully removed the entire tumor and testicle from my groin section on Tuesday, he left a very small incision that is rarely bleeding. Today, I was to find out the preliminary test results from the pathology report. Kasia loaded me up in the Nissan Murano, put on some Pandora, turned up the Jimmy Buffett and I serenaded Kasia to, "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw" as we drove down the canyon. I am a born romantic, even in the harshest of conditions... it's more of a curse than a blessing. We arrived to the doctors office in typical fashion, 15 minutes late, mostly due to my current groin condition. And also because of the fact that no one gave me a gas powered wheel chair, as I had previously requested.

We got into the patient room and Dr. McFadden showed up in typical Doctor style, 20 minutes late. No joke... all doctors walk into your patient room, or curtain room at least 20-30 minutes after the nurse places you in your designated area. This is not something I am complaining about, but more of an observation that I have decided to share. The best analogy I can think of to relate the situation is like this: Remember as a child when your parents would take you to go see Santa, you were so excited when that short girl dressed as an elf grabbed your hand to take you to the big guy so you can request presents (in my case, what my plan to live is). What if when you got there Santa was dealing with his bladder infection for 25 minutes. I am not saying Dr. McFadden has a bladder infection either, I am just saying... don't bring me back in that room until the good doctor is good and ready to see me, and can tell me what presents I am getting. (I can't believe this is the best analogy I can think of... I can see my dad shaking his head now).

Well after these overblown 20 minutes Dr. McFadden answered my questions. And by my questions, I mean Kasia's. She has been captaining this drugged up ship (me) and making sure I take all of my medications, go to my endless doctor appointments, brush my teeth, consume food, get up to use the toilet, and other odds and ends. Kasia has turned out to be worth the investment on my part... I am going to go ahead and chalk her up as a win for me. My new fiance has continually surprised me throughout this ordeal and has gotten me to fall in love with her in a way I did not know was possible. She is the silver lining on a shitty situation, but man that silver shines, right?! Here are the questions and answers she got from my doctor.

1.What kind of tumor was it?

I have an Embryonic Tumor. This means that I have caught a rare case of testicular cancer that has either attached itself to an old tissue from my previous cancer or even more strange, has started all on its own. Their seemed to be a vascular invasion by the tumor, which means it had survived on my blood stream, and is how the cancer is carried... which is typical.

2. Did we catch it early?

Yes. Because I had been getting regular check ups the cancer seems to be caught early, making the recovery faster and easier on me and all of my friends and family members.

3. What is the recommended treatment?

Dr. McFadden is a urologist and not an oncologist, he cannot give me the details on the exact treatment that I will most likely be getting. Although, he did give me an idea on the typical process that will follow a diagnosis like this: three different types of intense chemo therapy. But there is always "other options."

When you have cancer, the doctors always let you know that you have "other options." The doctors have to treat you like they are speaking to someone that has the intelligence level of a five year old. "We recommend that you should do this. It will save your life. But of course, you don't have to... there are always other options." Usually those other options have to do with dying, which is not in the cards for this guy. I promised my little sister I would remind her that she loves me at age 77 only four days ago. A hefty promise, because 50 years from now is a long time to be alive. But a promise is a promise... Soooo I am going to do the chemotherapy. Unless the different options in this case are something that will keep me alive and kill the cancer.

On the brighter side, lets talk about my prosthetic testicle. Next Friday, is when I think we are going to plop that mofo in. Apparently they used to have lots of different prosthetic testicles but now there is only one approved by the FDA. Which only leads me to believe that the manufacturer of the only current prosthetic testicles burned the other factories down to monopolize the industry. Smart.

**I would also like to thank my good friend Aaron Burrell for offering one of his testicles to replace mine... I will have to get it tested before we move forward, but I think it's going to be tough getting it past the FDA. You're a good friend though.

I also wanted to give a quick shout out to all of our friends that have been there by our side... friends from Park City, college, high school, family friends, and people I haven't spoken to or heard from for decades have reached out to offer that support. For this, I am extremely humbled. I can't express how much it helps to know we have great friends that are ready to help, especially when it actually counts.

The last few days Kasia and I have had our friends Scotty and Kara over to help, because apparently I can be needy. Scotty has helped make sure I don't fall down the stairs, watch hockey, and eat the food the girls prepare for us. Because my appetite has not been the usual trash dispenser Kasia and Kara made homemade chicken noodle soup from scratch, that was "to die for" yesterday. Speaking for both of us I cannot express our gratitude towards Scotty and Kara for being so selfless and dropping their regular lives to help Kasia and myself after surgery. I mean, I don't want to give them too much credit, they do get to hang out with us.

We have also had amazing meals made by other friends as well:
French Dip: Josh and Charlotte
Spaghetti: Britt and Rich... Well, Rich hung out with me, Britt cooked.
The whole Whole Foods Store: The Kosiba's <-- Who have continually been there for Kasia and I through everything.

And other nick nacks and treats from others. They are the best, and so are all of you people. I am falling in between sleeping and staring, which happens when I am on painkillers, so I am not even going to try and proof read this post, nor will I structure any of my thoughts, because I am too tired.

This is RAW blog writing people. You're welcome. Other blogs will have more pictures, my apologies.

No Nuts, No Glory

Today is Wednesday, October 26th, 2011. It is the first day in my life that I can remember (because I believe toddler's balls' don't drop for a bit, but I am no scientist) waking up without any testicles. At approximately 4:45 PM Mountain Standard Time I had my last remaining testicle removed along with the cancer ridden tumor that is trying to kill me. Rest assured humans, I will not. Also please excuse typo's, ramblings, and/or other grammar infractions as I am on a heavy dose of meds and pain killers.

Going back a few days... I was sitting in the urologists office, Dr. McFadden's in South Jordan, Utah, and he informed me that I would be losing my last testicle. As something that neither of us had ever experienced there were a few questions that needed to be asked:

Dr. McFadden: Do you realize what I am telling you?
Robert: Yes sir. You are removing my ball... (I am prettttty good at Q's and A's).
Dr. McF:  Have you saved up any sperm yet from your previous cancer diagnosis?
R: I have approximately three separate donations to the sperm bank. Rather be safe than sorry (backhand the good doctor on the chest, we're obviously homies now).
              *I laugh, he laughs, nurse laughs... I'm a riot. Kasia did not laugh.
R: My father has been paying the bill for the last 7 years.
Dr. McF: Sounds like a good guy.
R: The greatest guy ever.
Dr. McF: We can put a prosthetic in as soon as we understand the treatment. We will even get you back to two testicles.
R: No sir. I would like one testicle put back please.
Dr: Excuse me? You would only like one back? It wont be an issue to put two in for you, get you back to what you started with.
R: I understand the situation. I have had one testicle for quite some time now and I have grown very fond of it.
Dr: I have never heard of anybody ever requesting that before.
R: You have also never heard of somebody getting cancer in two separate testicles. And coming from someone who has had the opportunity to have both experiences, I must tell you, the one testicle is the way to go.
Dr: Well, you're the patient.
R: If you get the opportunity, make sure you check it out.
Dr: I'll look into it.

So I have not received my implant yet, but I will once I know the chemo schedule and that there is no extra issues going on down there. As I am writing this I constantly wonder how uncomfortable it makes people that I am constantly writing about my ball(s), or lack thereof. *bouncing around, I am writing loaded on percocet.


Moving on to the surgery. I had my testicle and tumor removed and woke up a bit uncomfortably, but to a very nice nurse who promptly loaded me with more drugs and got my fiance, who was followed by a number of other friends whom had come to console Kasia and see me when I woke up. Those friends were: Pat, Ashley (married couple, and both great friends since college), Scotty, Kara (Scotty is a great friend from college, and Kara is his awesome girlfriend I met this year), Sarah (lived with Kasia in PC, and one of our best friends), and Charlotte (another bf from PC). Apparently I was spouting jokes from the moment they had walked in, some were inappropriate regarding getting frost bite on my wiener (*note: these are stories told to me later, as I do not recall my actions, so this could all be lies), some were more wholesome... again, the nurse thought I was a riot.

As soon as they would let me I left the hospital to be driven home by Kasia. I called my mom, dad, sister, and brother to tell them I was o.k. and to not worry.  Telling this to grieving parents and a sister who can't stand to see a bug hurt let alone her own brother dealing with cancer, again, is very tough... especially on me. Almost every time I talk to my sister or see something that she posts on facebook regarding my cancer I tear up. She has had this affect on me for quite some time now.
Another person my sister has that affect on is my dad.

After I had called my parents, Kasia and I were heading up the canyon to Park City and I got a terrible feeling in my stomach that I had not talked to my pops after surgery. I had, just did not remember due to all of the medicine I was on. So even though Kasia had told me that we had spoken I needed to call him again. There has never been someone in my life that brings me more comfort and offers better advice than my father. So, I called again to tell him how much I love him, how grateful I was for everything has done for me, rambled, discussed the surgery, got like one tear, etc. I am guessing he teared up and he repeated the same to me... I had already teared up, but he is a wussy because I was on drugs. It had instantly made me feel better, and less scared... don't ask me why I was scared at the time, probably because I had just lost my last remaining testicle, dumby.

If I am anyone reincarnated, it is in my Dad's image; we have the same sense of humor, face (his nose and ears are bigger), body type, hair <-- Gary loves hair, sport interest (hockey, skiing), and other emotional and physical similarities.
My Dad has been there with me through everything in my life. Gives advice so well I can rarely remember him being wrong... except for that time he told the doctor that, "he does not have cancer, he has a cyst... like I have (points to his groin)." But I would say he is batting over .900 in good advice. He would give anything to take pain away from anyone he loves and put it on himself. His baby boy and BFFE (Acronym: Best Friend for Ever) having cancer is something I know is causing him more then a few sleepless nights. If you see him, make sure you give him a hug for me and tell him I am easily going to beat this thing because he taught me how to be tough, resilient, calm in times of distress, find a solution, and to never give up. He has passed these lessons to all of his children, Lindsey and Derek have applied it in their own lives in separate situations. Derek is a born hero, and took that admirable quality and became a fireman... a damn good one too, for he is wanted in many states for his skill set. Derek is also my best friend and he will be the best man in my upcoming marriage to Kasia. Lindsey made the dean's list throughout college and graduated in four years with a teaching degree. She is the sweetest girl ever to live, something she obviously gets from my momma (who might win sweetest woman to ever live. I am serious... people talk about my mother like she is the second coming of Mother Theresa, and they might be right). But careful crossing Lindsey, because she will mow you down... her fiance, Adam Wood (great southern man), once told me after messing with Lindsey for a while that I was, "playing with fire," and was seriously scared for my health. I was well aware of the fire I was playing with.

Enough of the rambling about my family. But I wanted to portray and explain how much they mean to me, and how important they are in this process... I am also on drugs so stuff it haters.

Fran and Gary will be making trips out to Utah to help out with chemotherapy and I cant wait to see them again and have my mom cook for me. So far my menu for my mother will look something like this:
  - Shrimp and Grits for Dinner
 - Beef tenderloin, potatoes, and vegetables
 - Grits and Eggs for breakfast
 - Her spaghetti
 - Homemade Vegetable soup and cornbread

I am sure there are more meals that I will think of later on. But I am excited for them to be here and hug them and have them celebrate Kasia and my recent engagement. 

I am doing great today. I am thankful for everyone who has come to see me and sent well wishes via text or email. I really do appreciate hearing how awesome I am, so please keep sending those messages about how cool you all think I am... I can't get enough of it.

The tumor is out, and that is the first step to getting better. I will be laid up for the next 6 days in recovery from my surgery... the hardest part so far seems to be getting up to take a piss. I walk as though I am 95 years old with two hip surgeries. The pee takes ten minutes to get out, even though I thought I had to rush to whip it out or I would soil myself, and when it does it takes another 25 seconds for it to get going... but here is the silver lining folks! Due to having my groin muscles cut through to retrieve my tumor/ball, I physically cannot use that muscle to push out the urine through my urethra. I have to wait for it to come out, and that my friends, is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It is impossible to explain to people the satisfaction of having the stream come out without any effort, and to not be able to push out to pick up the pace. After my first surgery to remove my left testicle (the right one just got removed yesterday) I always tried to duplicate this feeling to no avail because the muscle would automatically react and push. The human body is one crazy contraption folks. I never thought I would get the chance to duplicate it again, but here I am, having the greatest pisses of my life. You have to take joy in the little things in situations like this, write that down.

Have a good one everybody, thanks for all of the prayers and kind words. The prayers are working so keep it up.

Diamonds, Engagements, Flowers, and Tumors

Hello Readers... who are most likely just my family members.

I have created this blog with my fiance' Kasia, to document our experiences from the latest events in our life so our family and friends may be able to follow and get some sort of happiness/closure during this long process. If anything else, we would hope that it would help someone or another couple that might ever go through a similar situation. We will be making posts together, separately and we will do our best to be as honest and forthcoming as possible. The following is my/our story:


In the year 2004 I was a starry-eyed freshman in college at Utah State University in my second semester. I was basically the man, according to me; I skied, I lived with one of my best friends from high school (Mr. Larson Welsh), I was playing hockey for Utah State, I wore aviator sunglasses, etc. Until I found out in March of that year that I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I dropped out of classes, and spent the following months in surgery and treatment until cancer decided it had had enough of me beating it up and I was cleared of that bitch... down a few lymph nodes and one testicle, but victorious.

Three to Four and a half years later I graduated from college, moved to Georgia for three weeks, drove back to Utah, became a ski-bum clipping tickets, ran out of money, almost moved back to Georgia, and finally landed a job: Accounts Receivable for Skullcandy, Inc. Skullcandy was a dream job; they demand you ski on powder days, hook you up with concert tickets, you can skate around the office, and they DEMAND you ski on powder days... which I did. At Skullcandy I met a number of radical people that continue to be some of my closest friends and professional confidants. Amongst those minions working at Skullcandy was a small, beautiful, petite, intelligent, Polish girl named Kasia Modelski. Her appearance is and was deceiving as she continually scares the shit out of everyone she works with, including VP's and Directors... but alas, I was enamored with her.

Before Kasia would admit that she was checking me out, I informed her via Skype conversation that she would, "make lots of money, eventually fall for me, marry me, and take care of me for the rest of my life," not necessarily in that order. After a few months of wooing her she demanded one Friday night that I plant one on her (a kiss), and after playing a little hardball I finally gave in and made out with her for three hours straight somewhere on or near Main Street in Park City. If a human, or other species with a limb like arm with a hand like appendage attached (I will NOT discriminate species) would have walked past they would have gotten a high-five and a thumbs up from yours truly, for I was stoked, as the kids would say. Fast forward two years later, Kasia is still putting up with my shenanigans and continually surprising me with her grace, love, compassion, and ability to put me in my place when needed.

I had at some point decided that I should probably lock this thing up before she realized what she was doing and bounced... besides, one of the Directors at Skullcandy once told me, "if you were to take a poll from every single person in the office asking, 'Is Kasia too good for Robert?' You would undoubtedly get 200 out of 200 yes's." *-Courtesy of Mark Kosiba.

In light of this scientifically proven finding about myself I bought a ring, hiked Kasia to the top of PC Mountain, got down on one knee, looked her straight in the eye and told her with shaking hands, "everyone thinks I am not good enough for you, please marry me"... and she said yes. I was beyond surprised on the answer and then there was champagne back at the office, drinks on Kosiba at the bar, called our ecstatic parents, had friends over that night for dinner/drinks, and we were on cloud nine by all accounts. Kasia had already started getting ideas for the wedding and thinking about the date we would get married by that following Sunday night.

On that Sunday night, two days after being engaged, I got into bed after playing my adult league hockey game (I scored a hat-trick and got the winning goal in the last 16 seconds but it is NBD, and beside the point) and felt a sharp pain on my last remaining testicle. The feeling was eerily similar to the bump I had found 7 years ago...

After being cleared of cancer in 2004, I was told for the next two years I would need to be checked up every other month, after that I would need to get a check up every 6 months, after 4 years I would need to get checked up once a year and there would be less than a 1% chance of getting cancer ever again. I was treated by the worlds most foremost doctor on testicular cancer, Dr. Foster from Indiana University, who also treated Lance Armstrong on his miraculous recovery. After doing a surgery that removed over a dozen of lymph-nodes from my abdomen I was told that I was now in remission and Dr. Foster sent me home with a letter to give my initial urologist that wrote the following, "...I have never had a patient be re-diagnosed with cancer after being cleared of Stage 1 and receiving a RPLND surgery, but at some point this will happen..." Well it happened, and it happened to me. On Tuesday afternoon I had given blood, an ultra sound, and a ct scan. On Wednesday morning I was informed that I do in fact have elevated tumor markings and a tumor on my testicle, the bitch was back and I was diagnosed with cancer... again.

According to my VERY extensive research, I am the first human to be diagnosed with testicular cancer in two separate testicles as well as the first to be treated by Dr. Foster or anyone else who has received that treatment.

Kasia and I were floored. My parents became beside themselves, not just because the news was tragic but because this time I was no longer near them. My mom could not physically hug me and tell me that we were going to beat it together, she couldn't cook my favorite meals,  she could not bare the option of her living on the other side of the country and that she cannot fix or take care of her youngest boy like she did the first time. Our friends and family have been nothing but surprised and more supportive then we could ever ask for, the people from Skullcandy have treated me like family as usual giving us all the time we need and offer endless support, and Kasia has been amazing. She is a seemingly seasoned veteran of dealing with a new fiance' with testicular cancer and I owe her more than she will ever know, or perhaps she does and is just waiting to demand payment. *Fingers crossed for sexual favors... (once we get married of course, if my or her parents/grandparents are reading this.)

I am not scared of cancer. I accept the challenge with open arms on beating the disease. I fondly look back at my first stint with cancer as the best thing that ever happened to me. I became a better person; I cared more about friends and family, I appreciated the little things more, became more honest, got tougher, and overall appreciated the experience and consider it the single most important and knowledgeable time of my life. I am excited to find out what kind of person I will become in the future because of my second stint with cancer... I mean, I am pretty awesome now, think of the future Robert. Woa.

Surgery is tomorrow. We will remove the tumor from my last testicle and after we will know more about the amount of treatment I will have to undergo following the dissection of the tumor. Kasia and I have labeled this blog Love Strong, Livestrong... which has become our battle cry of sorts the last few days for us as well as our family. If you don't understand the meaning, I don't know what to say to you, call someone and ask.