No Nuts, No Glory

Today is Wednesday, October 26th, 2011. It is the first day in my life that I can remember (because I believe toddler's balls' don't drop for a bit, but I am no scientist) waking up without any testicles. At approximately 4:45 PM Mountain Standard Time I had my last remaining testicle removed along with the cancer ridden tumor that is trying to kill me. Rest assured humans, I will not. Also please excuse typo's, ramblings, and/or other grammar infractions as I am on a heavy dose of meds and pain killers.

Going back a few days... I was sitting in the urologists office, Dr. McFadden's in South Jordan, Utah, and he informed me that I would be losing my last testicle. As something that neither of us had ever experienced there were a few questions that needed to be asked:

Dr. McFadden: Do you realize what I am telling you?
Robert: Yes sir. You are removing my ball... (I am prettttty good at Q's and A's).
Dr. McF:  Have you saved up any sperm yet from your previous cancer diagnosis?
R: I have approximately three separate donations to the sperm bank. Rather be safe than sorry (backhand the good doctor on the chest, we're obviously homies now).
              *I laugh, he laughs, nurse laughs... I'm a riot. Kasia did not laugh.
R: My father has been paying the bill for the last 7 years.
Dr. McF: Sounds like a good guy.
R: The greatest guy ever.
Dr. McF: We can put a prosthetic in as soon as we understand the treatment. We will even get you back to two testicles.
R: No sir. I would like one testicle put back please.
Dr: Excuse me? You would only like one back? It wont be an issue to put two in for you, get you back to what you started with.
R: I understand the situation. I have had one testicle for quite some time now and I have grown very fond of it.
Dr: I have never heard of anybody ever requesting that before.
R: You have also never heard of somebody getting cancer in two separate testicles. And coming from someone who has had the opportunity to have both experiences, I must tell you, the one testicle is the way to go.
Dr: Well, you're the patient.
R: If you get the opportunity, make sure you check it out.
Dr: I'll look into it.

So I have not received my implant yet, but I will once I know the chemo schedule and that there is no extra issues going on down there. As I am writing this I constantly wonder how uncomfortable it makes people that I am constantly writing about my ball(s), or lack thereof. *bouncing around, I am writing loaded on percocet.


Moving on to the surgery. I had my testicle and tumor removed and woke up a bit uncomfortably, but to a very nice nurse who promptly loaded me with more drugs and got my fiance, who was followed by a number of other friends whom had come to console Kasia and see me when I woke up. Those friends were: Pat, Ashley (married couple, and both great friends since college), Scotty, Kara (Scotty is a great friend from college, and Kara is his awesome girlfriend I met this year), Sarah (lived with Kasia in PC, and one of our best friends), and Charlotte (another bf from PC). Apparently I was spouting jokes from the moment they had walked in, some were inappropriate regarding getting frost bite on my wiener (*note: these are stories told to me later, as I do not recall my actions, so this could all be lies), some were more wholesome... again, the nurse thought I was a riot.

As soon as they would let me I left the hospital to be driven home by Kasia. I called my mom, dad, sister, and brother to tell them I was o.k. and to not worry.  Telling this to grieving parents and a sister who can't stand to see a bug hurt let alone her own brother dealing with cancer, again, is very tough... especially on me. Almost every time I talk to my sister or see something that she posts on facebook regarding my cancer I tear up. She has had this affect on me for quite some time now.
Another person my sister has that affect on is my dad.

After I had called my parents, Kasia and I were heading up the canyon to Park City and I got a terrible feeling in my stomach that I had not talked to my pops after surgery. I had, just did not remember due to all of the medicine I was on. So even though Kasia had told me that we had spoken I needed to call him again. There has never been someone in my life that brings me more comfort and offers better advice than my father. So, I called again to tell him how much I love him, how grateful I was for everything has done for me, rambled, discussed the surgery, got like one tear, etc. I am guessing he teared up and he repeated the same to me... I had already teared up, but he is a wussy because I was on drugs. It had instantly made me feel better, and less scared... don't ask me why I was scared at the time, probably because I had just lost my last remaining testicle, dumby.

If I am anyone reincarnated, it is in my Dad's image; we have the same sense of humor, face (his nose and ears are bigger), body type, hair <-- Gary loves hair, sport interest (hockey, skiing), and other emotional and physical similarities.
My Dad has been there with me through everything in my life. Gives advice so well I can rarely remember him being wrong... except for that time he told the doctor that, "he does not have cancer, he has a cyst... like I have (points to his groin)." But I would say he is batting over .900 in good advice. He would give anything to take pain away from anyone he loves and put it on himself. His baby boy and BFFE (Acronym: Best Friend for Ever) having cancer is something I know is causing him more then a few sleepless nights. If you see him, make sure you give him a hug for me and tell him I am easily going to beat this thing because he taught me how to be tough, resilient, calm in times of distress, find a solution, and to never give up. He has passed these lessons to all of his children, Lindsey and Derek have applied it in their own lives in separate situations. Derek is a born hero, and took that admirable quality and became a fireman... a damn good one too, for he is wanted in many states for his skill set. Derek is also my best friend and he will be the best man in my upcoming marriage to Kasia. Lindsey made the dean's list throughout college and graduated in four years with a teaching degree. She is the sweetest girl ever to live, something she obviously gets from my momma (who might win sweetest woman to ever live. I am serious... people talk about my mother like she is the second coming of Mother Theresa, and they might be right). But careful crossing Lindsey, because she will mow you down... her fiance, Adam Wood (great southern man), once told me after messing with Lindsey for a while that I was, "playing with fire," and was seriously scared for my health. I was well aware of the fire I was playing with.

Enough of the rambling about my family. But I wanted to portray and explain how much they mean to me, and how important they are in this process... I am also on drugs so stuff it haters.

Fran and Gary will be making trips out to Utah to help out with chemotherapy and I cant wait to see them again and have my mom cook for me. So far my menu for my mother will look something like this:
  - Shrimp and Grits for Dinner
 - Beef tenderloin, potatoes, and vegetables
 - Grits and Eggs for breakfast
 - Her spaghetti
 - Homemade Vegetable soup and cornbread

I am sure there are more meals that I will think of later on. But I am excited for them to be here and hug them and have them celebrate Kasia and my recent engagement. 

I am doing great today. I am thankful for everyone who has come to see me and sent well wishes via text or email. I really do appreciate hearing how awesome I am, so please keep sending those messages about how cool you all think I am... I can't get enough of it.

The tumor is out, and that is the first step to getting better. I will be laid up for the next 6 days in recovery from my surgery... the hardest part so far seems to be getting up to take a piss. I walk as though I am 95 years old with two hip surgeries. The pee takes ten minutes to get out, even though I thought I had to rush to whip it out or I would soil myself, and when it does it takes another 25 seconds for it to get going... but here is the silver lining folks! Due to having my groin muscles cut through to retrieve my tumor/ball, I physically cannot use that muscle to push out the urine through my urethra. I have to wait for it to come out, and that my friends, is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It is impossible to explain to people the satisfaction of having the stream come out without any effort, and to not be able to push out to pick up the pace. After my first surgery to remove my left testicle (the right one just got removed yesterday) I always tried to duplicate this feeling to no avail because the muscle would automatically react and push. The human body is one crazy contraption folks. I never thought I would get the chance to duplicate it again, but here I am, having the greatest pisses of my life. You have to take joy in the little things in situations like this, write that down.

Have a good one everybody, thanks for all of the prayers and kind words. The prayers are working so keep it up.