You can die from cancer.

Last night Kasia broke down. We were sitting there watching tv, she was working on her computer as I controlled the stations between ESPN, ESPN2, Monday Night Football, and numerous hockey games (so I was obviously busy) and Kasia just started crying.

I have seen this before. I have been watching numerous sports before and Kasia was stressed out on something or another, and she just starts crying. I can't always decode the new language she seems to pick up when she starts these "episodes." I can usually pick out a few words that she mixes into her jargon that sound something like these English phrases: something about listening to her (which I can't, because I cannot UNDERSTAND her), not ignoring her, she is not taking this [poop] anymore, something about me growing up, and other ridiculous claims that I can barely hear over the TV announcers voice who seems to effortlessly be putting full English words and phrases together into full sentences. I usually/always find out through these "conversations" that I am the one who is wrong (and to tell you the truth, once she settles down, I do see her point 73% of the time) and I apologize for my actions.

In an effort to speed up the process, last night when Kasia started crying I blurted out, "I'm sorry." It didn't work. She continued to cry and then said something very surprising and heartbreaking, "I'm sorry."

Kasia and I have had friends in and out of our house ever since I have been diagnosed with cancer. The distraction has been wonderful. But that is exactly what is was, a distraction. We have had a whirlwind last two weeks: engaged, doctor visits, diagnosed with testicular cancer again, preop, surgery, and more doctor visits have kept Kasia's brain busy without having to think of the inevitable thought with any substance: I have cancer. Someone with cancer is dying. I am dying.

My dad would have a hard time with me saying that. He does not like to think or see anything that portrays a negative connotation towards my health, or anyone's health that he loves. But it is the undeniable truth. People with cancer are dying, which means that I am currently dying. I have had this sobering thought before when I was first diagnosed and it sits in the back of my mind now, I have already accepted that I have a disease that is killing me. I have also refused to let it.

I have made up my mind that I was not going to let cancer beat me, but that I was going to beat cancer. My sister, Lindsey, posted a quote from Lance Armstrong that embodies my feelings towards having the disease:

"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell!" -Lance Armstrong

                                        Myself; My Nephew/Godson, Maddux; My Dad, Gary. In Florida in September 2011.



Apparently I have issues with discussing my feelings. I really do not enjoy doing it, and most times I get more annoyed and my feelings get more negative if people try to talk to me about it. So Kasia has no idea what is going on in my head in regards to my attitude through cancer... which is completely unfair to her.

Last night Kasia could no longer take putting on a happy face. She was not happy and was tired of acting like it. She was sorry that I had to see her like that, she was sorry that she wasn't stronger, she was sorry that she could not make it all better.

It is easy to get caught up in yourself when you have cancer... everyone is talking about you and it seems the world wants to know what is going on with you in that moment. It can be exhilarating and at the same time completely exhausting. You forget the effect that cancer has on everyone around you, especially the people who truly love you. It is not just hard on you, but just as hard, and sometimes it is harder on your loved ones... it would benefit me to tell my loved ones how I feel and to listen to their concerns as well. This way, I don't have to spend so much time on the breakdowns, because they won't happen as often and in reality, this is all about self preservation. I am all about self preservation and living...

You can die from cancer, but that is up to you.

So for all of you that are having a hard time with this, let me explain my thought process:

I have cancer. I am dying. I will beat cancer. I will live.