Coping by Kasia

I was watching one of Robert’s sports channels and they were talking about the intimidation factor among athletes.  There is some truth behind the saying "you should fear the quite ones the most".  One football player used red contacts to "reflect the glare in practice" then kept them because they are very terrifying, or because he truly believes that red contacts reflect glare (doubtful). Other athletes talk smack and pull out the handbook of “your mom” insults on their opponents.  Then, there is the silent type; the show zooms in on Tom Brady with a look on his face like Jack Nicolas in the Shining.  (No one agrees with me but I swear Tom Brady looks like him.  Google “Tom Brady angry”).  Troy Polamalu also falls into the silent category.  One of his opponents said something along the lines of "there is nothing scarier than talking [smack] to an opponent and having them return a silent stare".  You never know what is going on in their minds and the silent ones are most often the ones who have pent up anger or feelings. 

This takes me to my point that is much less aggressive and entertaining than large football players and their peculiarities: the danger of silence and an unoccupied mind.  When my mind is left to itself it tends to go to the extremes and create scenarios that are far from reality.   Since Robert’s diagnoses I have made it a point to keep my mind from the extremes.  It actually had started on the opposite side of the spectrum of unrealistic positive thoughts and beliefs.

Robert: I have cancer

Me: Maybe it's something else

Robert: My tumor markers are high and the ultrasound shows a lump

Me: Maybe it's an infection or a cyst

Robert: Doc just called.  I have cancer and I am scheduled for surgery on Tuesday.

Me: Maybe after Tuesday everything will be better and we can be done.

Robert: I will need chemo.

Me: Maybe you won't.

Fast forward.  I was wrong and didn’t want to face the truth.

Reality kicks in, and then an automatic occupation of the brain.  I am currently a master cleaner, hostess, cook, and hold a full time job.

Keeping my mind occupied is only a temporary relief from reality, and although temporary, it is great training for domestication and guidelines to being the perfect wife.  I swear Robert planned all of this out. Although, I know he wouldn't get cancer just to build a good wife, but I wouldn't completely put it past him.  

On a side note, completely unrelated to this topic (yes I have a wandering mind) when Robert and I went on our first road trip ever, with 5 hours in the car alone, Robert told me his first cancer story.  I cried, I laughed, (of course) and said I just couldn't imagine him going through everything.  He then, with a very serious yet surprisingly soft tone, said "I would take cancer again over having any of my family members diagnosed.  I would prefer to get cancer again then ever have you have cancer...” He said he knew he could handle it and laugh through it but he didn’t think he could handle anyone he cared about going through it.  

When he was diagnosed I told him that he took the bullet for one of us, I cried.  He nodded that single nod that both him and Mr. Gary do when approving of something, or after proving that they are correct.  The nod is always followed by a modest smile.  I use modest loosely.

The initial point of my rambling is: you need to allow yourself to cope with the feelings you have.  Keeping yourself busy is wonderful, but sometimes you get so occupied by cooking and cleaning and planning, that you forget to just sit down and spend time with the person who is carrying the burden of everybody else’s sorrow.  The person who knows that due to their condition there are people who are so hurt and upset, and there is nothing that can be done about that pain.  Remember that is ok to be sad and cry, and its ok to feel happiness in the midst of all that’s happening.  If you can’t laugh and cry in the same day, then you cant begin to cope and understand what you truly may be feeling.  I always internalize what I feel and tend to smile through the rough times.  In the end it leaves Robert to pick up the pieces when I finally fall apart, and that is not fair to him, or myself. 

This is a learning process for everyone involved.  We can learn from our reactions and begin to plan out our future actions.  I am not saying that when faced with trying times you should sit and cry, but make sure to balance the busy and the down time. 

I can happily say, I don’t think I have had a stage 3 break down since last Sunday. Robert has been laughing through every day.  Today seems normal. It may be the calm before the storm, but we have to take what we get, one day at a time.  We will welcome the tears just as much as we welcome the laughs.