Thanksgiving and Toilets

 

Today is the Monday following Thanksgiving, and it has been a long time since I have posted on my blog. The last three weeks have been fairly hectic; my mom came in for a week, my brother followed her for 2 days, I had one day of chemo following the previous weeks five days in a row of chemo and on Wednesday I will undergo one more chemo treatment. Wednesday I will finish my first round of chemotherapy with two more to follow.

Truthfully, I have not been my usual "happy, go-lucky" self, at least not as much as I would like. The chemotherapy has had some negative effects physically on me, which has carried mental issues with it as well... I can only assume. Everyone has their own experience with chemotherapy and the drugs/poison will effect every person in a different way. It makes me feel as though I have just woken up from a weekend bender with the boys and I can't shake my hangover... not that I have a lot of experience with hangovers (insert smiley face here). The feeling has a number of similarities to a hangover: headaches, constantly feeling dehydrated, heavy feeling, you either don't want to eat or you eat way too much making yourself more sick, needed extra sleep, puking, and spending way too much time sitting on the toilet. The last part is true, I spend approximately 34.89% of my entire time on the toilet. It. Will. Not. Stop.

This has been the hardest part for me: the diarrhea. Even typing diarrhea is difficult for me to complete. It seems that due to cancer my intestines have shortened to 4 feet in total length, making food go through me in t-minus 26 seconds flat. Currently, I wake up 2-3 times a night to make a sprint to the bathroom before I ruin everyone in the houses and possibly within a mile radius' slumber. Because of this issue I have not slept through the night in two weeks, so if someone has an insomnia issue let me know and we can Skype. Other negative effects have been my irritability and lack of patience for anything... which is why I have constantly decided to not update my blog. I also am on drugs that make me stupid: Lorazepam and Marinol. Marinol is straight THC, some of you are thinking, "ohh sick brah, Suds' gets to get high all the time." And you would be right. I do get high all the time, but I feel like shit... the only reason I take the Marinol (which is maybe once a day) is to calm my stomach and get my head to stop spinning. The other drug is Lorazepam, this drug makes you retarded. It literally slows down the functioning of your brain and nervous system so you can settle your body/mind down enough to relax or sleep. I try my hardest never to take this drug as it is extremely addictive and like I said, it makes me stupid which closely follows losing my patience and showing my irritability. You lose all reasoning and cognitive thought, even when it comes to simple understanding.

As an example, today I went to purchase some things for Kasia's birthday (yes, today is her birthday, most guys can relate). I walked up to cash register to purchase my item, watched her ring it up, put the contents in a bag, and she stared at me... I sat there wondering why did she not push my items back so I could exit. Annoyed with the teller, I recount the events in my head: picked product, brought product to cash register, teller rings up product, puts product in the bag... ohh that's right, why am I assuming this stuff is for free? I have to pay! It is a fairly simple concept that I should be used to at this juncture in my life (being 27 and all) but I could not comprehend it at the time. Feeling sheepish, I take out my wallet, give a "can't win em' all" laugh, pay, and leave the store. Don't think it wasn't awkward for the poor lady either. It was. It took me a good two minutes to realize what was going on... in complete silence.

Throughout all of this there is great and joyous reason to be thankful:
My mom took a week out of her life to come up and help Kasia and myself deal with the first round of chemo. During desperate times or times of distress people sometimes believe they are being watched by an angel or some force that somehow makes them feel better. I have that in my mom. She is a walking, talking, physical angel that God has possibly made to strictly make sure I feel better. Frances Denny has seen me at my very worst and only responds with extreme understanding and love... something only a mother could pull off, I assume.

My brother also came to visit for Thanksgiving. The two days he was here was two of my greatest days I had while dealing with chemotherapy. We went on walks, to dinners, breakfast, hot tubbed it up, and even went out on Main Street one night for a couple hours.

On the day of Thanksgiving I awoke to my sisters message to me: "I am so thankful that I have a brother like you who inspires me everyday to be a better person. Your strength, courage, and confidence are just a few great qualities that make you the person I look up to. I love you more than anything and wish we could be together today. Happy Thanksgiving!" So in typical fashion when Lindsey says anything to me I sat in bed reading it with tears streaming down my face. Lindsey is the best of us, and I have taken pride in knowing that I was somewhat a part of her growing up to be the beautiful, sweet, and generous person she grew up to become. I don't know where or why there was such a gap in my brother and myself in regards to these traits but it is possible that it skipped us to make her so radical.

Gary will be in arriving in Utah on Friday. My friends and I are extremely excited to see him. Everyone who reads this blog or knows me has an idea of how I feel about my dad. If I keep talking about him his head will get too big...

I am thankful for my family.

Kasia and I cannot thank our friends enough for reaching out to us and helping out. Our community in Park City/SLC has helped keep me busy with ski movies, small visits, meals, and constantly offering there help. We spent our Thanksgiving at our old bosses house, whose family, the Kosiba's, has become our surrogate here in Park City, and I stayed up the entire day... and I didn't have an embarrassing bathroom situation. So all in all, it was a great Thanksgiving. I also have a number of friends growing mustaches to help raise awareness for testicular cancer and to support me personally... that is awesome. Here are some photos:

I also have a great friend from my college hockey days, Ben Froehle, who created a wrist band that says: SUDSTRONG. It has caused quite the demand for them. Hopefully we will figure out a way to supply the masses so all you people will be stoked.

I am thankful for friends.

Last week I went skiing at Solitude with a number of friends, including my friend Alex John, who is a ski patrolman at said resort. So he brought us to the good snow patches on the mountain where we found little pockets of powder and a few rollers to throw grabs and weak 360's. During the skiing I was elated. I could not have been happier. After spending the entire week before having 5 hours of chemicals pumped into my body every day, to spend a Saturday doing my favorite activity was a priceless experience. I had a smile on my face the entire time and was counting my blessings on every run... until I stopped. The adrenaline carried me through most of the day, but once I stopped, I hit a brick wall. I slept for 14 hours straight, woke up and continually puked and crapped for another 4 or 5 hours straight. I would do it all over again without thinking twice. So I did. On Sunday I went to the Canyons.



 I'm thankful for snow and skiing.

My body is rejecting everything from solids to liquids, I sleep 3-4 hours every night, I take medication that makes me dumb(er), my body is constantly itching, and I am currently feeling like I am always hungover. I am alive. I have caught a disease before it has gotten out of control and I will beat it. I have gotten a better appreciation for life, family, friends that few people get the opportunity to see from my point of view. I am the lucky one.

I am thankful for cancer and the ability to beat it. I am thankful to be alive.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

PS- I am thankful that Kasia loves me for some reason and that she was born on this day 28 years ago. I mean, I really am thankful... what would I do without her?!